My story began before I was even born. My family, Chinese, was living in communist China and they were pregnant, with me, their second child. For those who do not know, at the time, China had a one child policy and my parents already had an 8 year old daughter.
This means, my parents had three choices:
1. Abortion
2. Have the (illegal) child in secret
3. Leave their home and start a new life in a foreign country
Luckily for me they chose the latter, and I was born in my hometown, Richmond, BC, where most of my immediate family still resides to this day. My parents are creatures of habit and do NOT like change so when I reflect back now and think of how incredibly difficult it was for my family to leave all they know behind.
My family (like most of China at this time,) were poor, and had to borrow money to immigrate over to Canada. I recall barely seeing my parents, as my dad worked two jobs and was exhausted by the time he got home from work. My mom worked split shifts at the Chinese restaurant so we ate an early dinner so she could work the evening shift. The rest of us watched the 2 Chinese channels on tv. Our family didn’t talk much, especially not about our emotions or how we were dealing with all the changes in our lives.
As a second generation Asian Canadian, I disconnected a lot from my family because I struggled to bridge the divide between the Eastern and Western cultures. I never felt like I was the right fit with my family or with society norms. I did not understand my emotions and did not have the tools to express them. I was raised to avoid and ignore issues and emotions. For most of my life I was not aware of the gravity of my situation and how it was pulling me down. I made friends easily and built communities around me, but did not have many deep friendships. The few romantic relationships I had, ended with me not feeling like myself and miserable. It wasn’t until I dated my best friend I realized I suffered from codependency, passed down from childhood trauma and generations of ancestral trauma. THIS REVELATION CHANGED MY LIFE. I finally put a name to the problem, and started working on a strategy to overcome it.
Until then, I didn’t realize I was walking through life numb and lost. I began strategies to quiet my inner critic, practiced mindful meditation and did activities I enjoyed. I gave myself permission to stop putting others before me and pursue a life that would bring me fulfillment. I stopped measuring myself against others who had different goals in life and created my own measurements of success. Slowly, I got in touch with myself and have started understanding my own needs and hearing my own inner voice. We are ever changing and I know I will still struggle at times and that’s okay. I just know that I am finally living a life of authenticity and that brings me joy.
Though I know my story is unique to me, we all suffer from some form of childhood trauma. Have you reflected on what your family has gone through and do you have a story to share.